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Say what you like about Pippa Middleton’s culinary prowess. But if she really is able to conjure up the picture-perfect Asian menu from her debut Waitrose magazine column without her kitchen ending up looking like Hiroshima she’s a better woman than me.
Three hours into my epic culinary face-off with Pippa’s Friday Night Feast I was cursing the duchess’s sister and her ‘relaxed’ theme night.
Party-planning Pip may be able to whip up a duck pancake without breaking a sweat, but my experience was a lot less slick.
Ready, steady, cook! Deborah Arthurs creates the Pippa's feast as featured in Waitrose Kitchen magazine as a recipe for a night in with friends
There was sushi rice clinging to every surface, four packs of Gressingham duck breast sweating unpleasantly in the overcrowded pan and a puddle of tangerine and sake jelly mix solidifying slowly on the kitchen floor.
In my defence, I can only think Pippa doesn’t have to contend with the same rigors of day-to-day life I was confronted with on my quest to recreate her five-recipe Friday Night Feast.
Here's to Pippa! After a stressful dash around the supermarket, Deborah raised a glass to Pippa before attempting to cook her feast
Pips probably has Mr Waitrose himself deliver the ingredients to her door, a food stylist on hand to pimp her sushi rolls to photogenic perfection and the liberty of a long afternoon to prepare.
I on the other hand had to make a mad dash to the supermarket after a full day in the office, toddler with a temper tantrum in tow.
Heaving a trolley up and down the busy aisles of Waitrose on a Friday night for an hour and a half searching for rarefied ingredients was not the best warm-up for a wild night in - and I bet Pippa never has to contend with a three-year-old throwing her Japanese rice vinegar and stem ginger in syrup out of the trolley as fast as she can throw them in.
Pip's preparation: Deborah found that there was too much fiddly prep involved and the menu is better suited to a Saturday when there is plenty of time to prepare over the course of the day
Cooking up a storm: Pips probably has Mr Waitrose himself deliver the ingredients to her door and a food stylist on hand to pimp her sushi rolls but Deborah gave it her best shot
Morale plummeted when the shop assistant confessed sheepishly that they had stopped stocking the seaweed sheets I needed for my sushi rolls (Middle Class problems!) and suggested I try Tesco instead.
But after lugging my eight carrier bags and grumpy child across town to Tesco, I remained seaweed-free.
What would Pippa do, I wondered? Inspired, I headed for my local Japanese restaurant and emerged triumphant, £5 lighter of pocket but with a stack of seaweed in hand.
Not quite the Royal look: She was convinced that her Vietnamese spring rolls looked like flaccid seafood Femidoms, her sushi was sloppy and the cocktails were so fiery they should have come with a health warning
Picture perfect: To her credit, the food, as Pippa says, is tasty and, with practice and time, has the potential to look impressive
The victims: As midnight approached and they still hadn't eaten so much as a hoisin pancake, the guests (victims?) that Deborah invited over in an attempt to impress with her dazzling Eastern-inspired banquet were drafted in
The verdict? The feast - which Pippa rightly says is ‘really an assembly of parts’ - is all very well in theory. Five practically no-cook recipes, no complex cooking instructions... how hard can it be?
But in practice, a menu where every element needs meticulous and involved preparation is not the best idea for a Friday night post-work when time is limited and guests are hungry.
There is so much fiddly prep involved - not least juicing two 600g bags of tangerines - that this menu is better suited to a Saturday when there is plenty of time to prepare over the course of the day.
As midnight approached and we still hadn’t eaten so much as a hoisin pancake, the guests (victims?) I’d invited over in an attempt to impress with my dazzling Eastern-inspired banquet were drafted in.
Logistical issues: With her sitting room at one end of the house and the kitchen at the other, had her guests not joined her to muck in, they would have been segregated for the entire night
One picked mint leaves, grated ginger and chopped chillis for the ginger mojitos, another soaked rice paper, shredded lettuce, grated carrots and halved king prawns for the Vietnamese spring rolls, another fried an omelette, chopped peppers and blended the sauce for the sushi rolls - and still we didn’t eat for another hour.
Had the finished results looked anything like the delicacies on the glossy pages of Waitrose magazine I wouldn’t have minded. But in reality, my Vietnamese spring rolls looked like flaccid seafood Femidoms, my sushi (if I dare honour it with the name) was sloppy and bursting at the seams and the cocktails - which Pip suggests garnishing with red chillis - were so fiery they should have come with a health warning.
Never again: 'Sorry Pippa, but I would definitely opt for getting a quick takeaway from my friendly Japanese next time around' says our journalist
A sociable kitchen would be a major asset here too.
With my sitting room at one end of the house and the kitchen at the other, had my guests not joined me to muck in, we would have been segregated for the entire night while I steamed asparagus alone with my thoughts.
To her credit, the food, as Pippa says, is tasty and, with practice and time, has the potential to look impressive.
But the clean-up operation! No pot, pan, plate or utensil in the house went unsullied. So would I do it all again?
Sorry Pips, next time I'd drink the sake straight up and get that friendly Japanese restaurant down the road to send in the sushi.
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